Seeking Beauty in the Storm: My Story of Transformation
- Emelie Swonger
- Jun 20, 2017
- 5 min read
I have been holding off on this post for quite awhile, knowing that my story needed to be told, but afraid that telling it would bring back painful memories. I have shared bits and pieces of my journey from time to time, but after much prayer and consideration, I think it's time for me to share my story in full.
It all began during the spring of 2015. As I'm sure most high school juniors would agree, my junior year was easily the most stressful year of my high school career. Between extracurricular activities, standardized testing, college tours, and AP exams, I was constantly striving to keep up. By the time junior year came to a close, I was majorly BURNED OUT. I was physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. But I had no idea exactly how much damage had been done... Not until it was too late.
Three years earlier, I had been diagnosed with irritable bowel syndrome (IBS). Millions of Americans suffer from IBS, but the symptoms vary for everyone. Some people struggle with sharp abdominal pain and diarrhea. Others, like me, struggle with dull abdominal cramping, constipation, and sensitivity to gluten and dairy products. After my run-in with IBS as an 8th grader, I went to see the only pediatric gastroenterologist in the state of North Dakota. He prescribed a medication that resolved my symptoms almost instantly and soon I was back to enjoying a life free from abdominal pain.
But my journey with IBS didn't end there. My symptoms returned with a fury the summer before my senior year and this time, it felt like they were here to stay.
The gnawing ache in my gut made it practically impossible to eat and I began to lose weight at a rapid pace. In an attempt to ease my abdominal pain, I tried eliminating gluten, dairy, and soy from my diet. Eating allergen-friendly foods seemed to reduce my symptoms, but I struggled to find food at the grocery store that was gluten, dairy, AND soy-free, leading to further weight loss. In July 2015, I weighed 135 pounds. Six months later, I was barely at a 110. The severe weight loss combined with my already low blood pressure caused me to have "dizzy spells" when I stood up too quickly or didn't have enough to eat in the morning.
To make matters worse, I began to experience severe anxiety and depression. I worried so much about my stomach that I could barely make it through the school day without breaking down in tears. I met with a psychiatrist almost weekly for several months, trying to nail down a medication that would give me some relief.
The life that was once filled with friends, dance classes, studies, and joyful discovery quickly became a life filled with fear, anxiety, pain, and suffering.
I remember pleading with God as I lay in bed each night, asking Him, "Why are you letting this happen to me? Why now? All I want is to enjoy my senior year of high school and attend college in the fall... Is that too much to ask? PLEASE take away my pain! PLEASE provide me with a path to health and well-being!"
If I remember anything about that time of darkness, it was not so much the pain my body was feeling, but rather my anger and frustration with God. I couldn't understand why God was allowing me to suffer so deeply, especially when there was so much at stake. With only a few short months resting between me and a college decision, the importance of regaining my health was growing ever more pertinent.
In April 2016, a mere month before graduation, I toured the college that I am currently attending. As I was visiting the school, I felt what my theatre friends like to call my "Swong sense," a phrase that was coined after I predicted who our next stage manager would be. I knew in my heart of hearts that THIS was the place God was calling me to be, but I, in my human brokenness, failed to see the bigger picture. Yes, it was the college of my dreams, but that didn't change the fact that it was 8.5 hours away from home, from my doctors, and from my biggest support system: my family. With stomach pain and anxiety symptoms still raging, I could not imagine myself picking up and moving away from everything I had ever known.
But God knew better. One morning, as I was sitting in Eucharistic Adoration, I cried out to God in my anger and confusion: "Okay, God, I've found my dream school... But what good does that do me if I have no hope of attending there this fall? Why are you letting this happen to me?"
Suddenly, a wave of overwhelming peace washed over me. A voice rose up inside of me, saying, "My dear, dear daughter... Do not be afraid. Simply trust in me... That's all I ask... I will make this happen. Trust in me and I will bring the desires of your heart to fruition."
It was one of the most beautiful spiritual experiences of my life. Over a year has gone by and I still don't have the words to describe the incredible peace God gave me in that simple, but profound conversation. Shortly after that experience, God's blessings came pouring in. I graduated from high school with honors and enjoyed a weekend filled with friends, family, and joyful celebration. A month later, I saw a new gastroenterologist who prescribed the medication that would change my life. As the weeks went by, I grew healthier, stronger, and increasingly joyful. Before I knew it, I was ready to begin my next chapter at the college of my dreams... A true blessing and an even bigger miracle.
As I look back on my journey now, I realize that every minute, every second of pain and anxiety and fear was worth it. My suffering drew me closer to Christ than I have ever been before and the compassion, strength, and character I gained as a result of those experiences has shaped me into the woman I am today. When life is going smoothly, it is easy to forget how deeply dependent we are upon God, but in moments of suffering, we are quickly reminded of the incredible power of our almighty God.
This is how Raindrops on Roses Ministries was born. My journey with IBS and anxiety taught me a lot of things, but most importantly, it showed me that God is present even in the midst of life's biggest storms... The life-changing storms that will rock us, shake us, and transform us into a new creation. I am a new creation. The storm has passed and the clouds have cleared, but I am not the woman I was two years ago. I am like a rose, covered in the cool, wet drops of rain left over from the storm... Scarred, broken, and beaten, but strong. Beautiful. ALIVE in the promises of my Creator.
My dear sister, I don't know what storms you may be facing right now, but I pray that my story may encourage you along your journey. No matter how hard the winds of change may blow... No matter how heavily your tears may fall... Never forget the One who is on your side... The One who is using this storm to shape you into the beautiful rose that you are. I love you, sister. God loves you. Now go out and seek beauty in the storms of life.
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